I Can't Think of a Clever Title

RANDY SCHOLFIELD: IF MEN COULD BREAST-FEED

Did you see in "Meet the Fokkers" when Robert DeNiro straps on a fake plastic breast, cradles his grandson in his arms, and begins feeding him with his daughter's pumped milk?

It's a funny scene, but also instructive: DeNiro's gruff character is determined to give his grandson the benefits of mother's milk.

He doesn't seem to care what others think.

I think that's a healthy attitude for breast-feeding moms.

The Kansas Legislature -- citing the many proven benefits of breast-feeding -- is trying to pass a law clarifying the right of women to breast-feed in public.

Oh, yes -- as long as they are "discreet" about it.

Amazingly, it seems many Americans have a problem with breast-feeding in public. They think it's rude. Or dirty.

Consider this recent gem in Opinion Line:

"People who breast-feed in public show an amazing lack of class and etiquette. Would you urinate in public? It's basically the same thing."

This person obviously has never had children.

If so, he'd know (obviously, this is a man) that once you have children, you give up any thought of maintaining class, etiquette and decorum.

You get comfortable with loud whoopee cushion noises in restaurants.

Your baby will scream, defecate and projectile vomit wherever he wants to, thanks.

And when he's hungry, he wants to be fed now. Doesn't matter where you are -- could be the presidential inauguration.

Decorum? Good luck.

Here's another classy Opinion Line response:

"If you're going to breast-feed in public, bare 'em both so we can get the whole show."

Whoooo-EEEE! That mama trying to nurse over there in the corner is just trying to turn us on, right, boys?

Grow up. Or take it to Hooters.

Given people's uptight or absurd reactions, it's probably prudent for a mother to drape a blanket so that innocent bystanders won't be shocked -- shocked! --at the sight of a baby nursing.

But, really, why should a mother have to be "discreet" when there are far more serious offenses to our eyes?

On a recent restaurant outing, my family and I were seated in a booth right behind a large gentleman, who was slouched expansively on a counter stool.

He was flaunting a serious case of plumber's crack.

His exposed backside was so near us that we could read the label on his underwear. Hanes.

We were staring into the abyss.

My children began pointing, wide-eyed. My wife knocked down their hands and shushed them.

The diners in the next booth were glancing over, their faces twisted with revulsion.

I'd like to see a law requiring men with this condition to drape themselves discreetly with a shawl or blanket when they go into public.

Or maybe management could ask them to sit in the restroom.

I wondered: Was he showing off? Trying to turn on my wife, and other women in the room?

If so, I am pleased to report, he failed.

We looked the other way.

People who are offended at the sight of nursing mothers should do the same: Look away.

Wouldn't that be simpler?

Don't overworked, frazzled, exhausted mothers deserve a break? "Meet the Fokkers" offered a good suggestion: Maybe men should help out.

Think about it: What if Kansas passed a law requiring fathers to help stressed-out nursing moms by strapping on fake breasts, like De Niro, to help them with those round-the-clock feedings?

It would be educational for men to see how easy it is to try to feed a baby in public. I bet that would change some attitudes about breast-feeding in a hurry.

My guess is, we men would be passing all kinds of laws to make it easier for us to breast-feed. And we wouldn't give a hoot about being discreet. It would be all about our convenience.

And if people stared at our breast-feeding -- and they would -- we'd just give them our best DeNiro stare-down:

"You lookin' at me? Huh? You lookin' at me?"