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November 17, 2005

Useless Baby Products

Six and a half years ago when I was pregnant with Henry I participated in the American mom-to-be rite of passage and registered at Babies R Us. I dragged Eric and my swollen ankles around that store completely overwhelmed by all of the choices, all of the things you need for your baby. Special bath tubs, vibrating seats, a new bed for every age and stage, battery-operated soothing nosiemakers. (Though I do have to admit, there is something fun about going through a retail store and making a list of your wants and knowing that there are people who will purchase at least some of the stuff.)

There is so much baby gear out there that you just must have. Seriously, how do those mothers in foreign countries survive with just their breasts and a piece of cloth for a sling? And I thought I was making a compromise by just pushing around a Graco and not that $879 stroller that all the fashionable parents have.

If we have baby #4 (which most likely will not happen)do you think it would be tacky to register again? Do you think I would be able to convince anyone to throw me a shower? Because here are some products that I weren't available the first time around:

Playing Mozart just doesn't cut it any longer. Give your child a real advantage with the BabyPlus Prenatal Education System. He/she will finish Gymboree at the head of the class and will definitely get a treasured spot at that preschool everyone is talking about.

You need the Walk-O-Long to help teach your children to walk because you know they will never learn by themselves. Whoever invented this must be a pretty new parent because they recommend using this when "going for a stroll with your 4 or 5 year old." I seriously wonder how Theo would react if I strapped this contraption around his chest next time we stroll to the mailbox a half block away. After all it feels "about the same as a gentle hug."

If you are going to play music for your baby no simple cd player on the dresser will do. You must get a special one that attaches right to the crib, the CD Crib Player with Light. It even lights up because if you use the BabyPlus Prenatal Education System then your baby will be able to read which track is currently playing. But the joke is on the baby. He won't be able to skip over the scary part of "Skin and Bones" by Raffi because of the "sliding, child-resistant cover." which, "protects the buttons and a CD compartment safety lock keeps curious children from playing with the crib CD player."

Posted by Julee at November 17, 2005 11:06 PM

Comments

The prenatal education system is hysterical. I'm thinking that the kids whose parents are gullible enough to buy stuff like this need all the extra help they can get :-) But sadly, I don't think they'll get it from the BabyPlus.

Posted by: Annalise at November 18, 2005 07:26 AM

Your descriptions of these products are absolutely hilarious!!! I know, I made several trips to Babies R Us when I was pregnant even though the closest one is an hour away! It is pregnant woman heaven! ... I tried to buy only what I thought we'd truly "need"/ use ... there is SOOOOOO much stuff out there!!!!

Posted by: Lisa at November 18, 2005 08:34 PM

Juile, the sad thing is you only see what you want to see not what the product can help really do. I have one and it has tought my 3 year old to ice skate and a friends 4 year old to ride a bike. so think out side the box..

Posted by: Kim at November 19, 2005 05:43 AM

If it does happen....I think you should register again. I mean things change bi-monthly and most of the time they only get better.

And...every baby is different.

I went to a Babies-R-Us when I wasn't pregnant.. I had sudden urges to go to a sperm bank and have a deposit made in me!!!

It is a very cool store.

Posted by: Beth at November 20, 2005 09:43 AM

Hey, you read my blog when I was pregnant agin, I registered again...if only because I was assured that people only wanted to buy me little cutsie stuff and not give me gift certificates toward the big-ticket items I needed. Um, the "people" in this statement turned out to be only my sister and everyone else was willing to get with the program.

If you do have baby #4 (God help you)you will need new stuff because I am sure you did not cart EVERY baby item from Boston to San Antonio to NJ right? Evrery girl needs a baby shower or four.

Posted by: Colleen at November 21, 2005 11:33 AM

Yep I definitely agree that you will have no choice but to register again. I refused to register for my shower (first baby shower was for my second baby) , now in hindsight I suppose I could have at least tried but I was all swollen and hormonal and not wanting people to buy me stuff. If I ever have #3 I'm registering for cloth diapers and nothing else. You are too funny with your descriptions of these products, its amazing the things people come up with nowadays. What would we do without the internet to tell us how much useless stuff we really really "need".

Posted by: Yolanda at November 21, 2005 09:24 PM